Why all the failures, we blame their parents.
Many of us, experiencing fatal bad luck, at least once, blamed their parents for this. According to some, they are too harsh or vice versa, they were careless about our upbringing, we received little attention, were often abandoned alone, or disposed of us, sending them to grandmother.
Why is it that all the failures, children blame their parents?
Many live with constant resentment towards their mother or father. Which, on the one hand, is a convenient excuse for my own failures, they say that you want, I had a difficult childhood. And on the other hand, it is easy to compensate for the resentment of blame for the fact that we rarely see each other, we do not help. And most importantly – for their own indifference, to the now weaker parents. More articles on the topic baby.
It’s a shame – not to love, not to want to go “home” (in our native village or small town). Although they themselves, for many years in the capital, where they have their own “home”. Here the offense is a defense mechanism against the reproaches of conscience.
One client, let’s call her Larisa, lived for many years in a painful dialogue with her mother, with whom she almost did not see. Her younger sister took her, already feeble. Larisa has a bad relationship with her too. Therefore, her Easter visits ended in a stormy quarrel, during which she recalled to her relatives small and large children’s injustices.
They also told me with pain. The main reproach to the mother was that she gave birth and, in the opinion of the client, loved the younger daughter much more. Larisa had enough evidence of this, and she happily shared them.
Since the younger daughter appeared, the older one began to be sent to her grandfather and grandmother for the whole summer, even though she very much asked her to pick it up. Sister bought sweets, and she at one time, her mother refused, because there was not enough money.
With tears in her eyes, a forty-five-year-old woman said that when she was returning from school, in the empty cold apartment (her mother was at work, her sister was in kindergarten), the same barley porridge was waiting for her. She loved buckwheat. But the mother, although she knew about it, according to her firm conviction, intentionally cooked buckwheat only for the weekend – when everyone gathered at home. Therefore, Larisa did not eat porridge, and her mother constantly scolded her for it, even hit her several times.
A patter Larissa said that the pot with porridge on the stove was always wrapped up in an old warm scarf, so that the food would stay warm longer. That they lived poorly – their mother raised herself. Hence, such culinary asceticism. But returning from work, my mother managed to bring two burgers from the local canteen. However, the woman was sure that it was for her beloved little daughter.
Then we remembered together that in those days buckwheat was in short supply, it was given out for some invitations. And maybe because … – I began. But Larissa immediately screamed and waved her hands. Obviously, psychoanalysis has brought the woman too close to the destruction of her own myth about the stale mother as the source of her misfortunes.
Therefore, she instantly began to renew the walls of her painful outlook, snowing over her mother’s sins with a snow layer. From her, they say, and the inability to properly treat men (mother was lonely, gave birth to them from different parents). And bad manners and education – why and for what could a simple factory worker teach her? Then it turned out that she and the “accidentally” managed to get a higher education. And the complex of poverty – she also considers pennies all her life.
Resentment at his father – because he was not there.
Of course, Larisa is a collective, but fact-based image that reflects typical resentment of adult children.
Father, as a rule, is offended for the fact that he either did not exist at all or that he left his mother. Some, however, also blames the mother for being the one who brought it to him.
Father indifference or excessive rigidity, lack of money, bad habits. Among the exotic grievances – the wrong origin, interference with privacy, because of him chosen the wrong profession, the wrong woman or man, the lack of children.
Probably, in many of these claims there is a rational soil. But summarizing, they can be characterized by the psychological term “transference”. That is, the inherent infantile individuals reluctance to take responsibility for their own lives. And an attempt to transfer the blame, for the result of such irresponsible behavior, to someone.
Once in childhood, with all the troubles, we ran to dad or mom. And now the parents have already grown old and become weaker. We are no longer dependent on them, so there are almost no restraining factors. And now in the imagination you can avenge, and for tasteless porridge, and for fish oil, and for a slap.
“Love me for dying.
But doing so, we hurt ourselves first of all. Being offended by our parents, we remain in the past, in childhood, not giving ourselves the opportunity to become psychologically adults and build our own lives, not looking back constantly into the past.
Secondly, an insult to something that cannot be changed is destructive in its essence.